This dress was meant to end up on your floor
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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