I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
