That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
