so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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