D3 body, D1 cock
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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