I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
