so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
We just shotgunned beers for America
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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