My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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