I'm laying in your front yard are you home
i think my mom watched the whole time
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
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