I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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