Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Randomize
