Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I have feelings that need drinking.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize