He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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