Where is the hickey?
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
