Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Randomize
