Can i not drive my cunt home
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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