I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
