I can feel you judging me through the phone.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
