Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
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