Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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