I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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