can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
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