that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
