just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize