i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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