im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Randomize
