Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
