I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
