You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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