Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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