In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
