She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
