Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
