I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
