Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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