cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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