The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
