life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
