how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
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