Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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