Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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