she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
