Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
