I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
