walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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