So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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