So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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