you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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