so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
