wat bout pragnant strippers??
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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