Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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