You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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