I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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